Friday, Aug 31, 2012
Losing a loved one can be one of the more traumatic events in a person’s life. And, if after a long grieving period a person is still unable to cope with the death of a close friend or family member, medical experts usually suggest professional help.
Shama Noorani Choudhary, a grief and bereavement counsellor based in India, says every case is different but there are some general patterns or stages associated with the grieving process following a death, namely denial, anger, depression and acceptance. “Particularly in this part of the world, where a lot of people live without a strong support system in terms of having their families and friends around, it can be very difficult for a person to come out of grief. They may continue to live in grief for a prolonged period and there is a high chance that the grieving person could slip into depression, over-rely on medication or resort to behaviour that is self-destructive,” said Shama, who was in Dubai to conduct a grief and bereavement workshop at Illuminations, a well-being centre.
Explaining the process of grieving, she said the initial stage could involve a situation where a person cannot believe that their loved one is no longer around and they fall into a state of denial.
“They may be afraid to accept the absence and this may lead them to ‘enshrine’ their grief and just live with the thought that their loved one has temporarily gone out somewhere but will be back,” Choudhary told Gulf News in an interview.
“There could be an anger, wherein a person starts questioning as to why it happened to them. They may start to excessively worry about how life would be without their loved one, would question and most of the conversations would inadvertently lead to talk about the deceased. This may be accompanied by despair and depression. Sometimes, a person might even have a feeling of guilt about being able to lead their life without their loved one. Many times, they may disassociate themselves from the society, take to alcohol, or resort to excessive use of anti depressants.”
Not every person, however, necessarily goes through the typical stages of grieving.
“Every grief journey is different and there is no specific time-frame that can be defined within which a person can be expected to get on with their life,” Shama said.
“It may take six months or, sometimes, years. Getting ‘normal’ means they are able to accept life and carry on with their routines without centreing their life around the grief. But if they are not able to do so in about six months, it means they need professional help,” she said.
And what if you are a friend of a person who is grieving?
“As friends, you should try to support them and listen to them. It is important that you are around. Usually people leave after few days when there is a death, but as someone who would want to help their friends, you need to be around.”
At the same time, one needs to be careful that they empathise and do not sympathise with the grieving person.
“Do not try to tell them that things would be fine because it could hurt them. Listening and being around as a friend, or sharing your own experiences; if you have had any experiences related to loss, these are some of the ways you can help. However, you should remember that no two grief journeys are the same and each person has different mechanisms to cope.”
Talking about professional help, she said: “Professional help does not only mean medication, one needs to go to a specialist to get the right kind of help.”
How to help a grieving person
1.Listen to them
2.Do not sympathise and say things like ‘it will be fine’
3.You can share your own grief story with them but remember that every grief experience is different
By Shveta Pathak
Gulf News 2012. All rights reserved.
