Jeddah - Marriage has left the old school and moved to the new school. Technology and globalization have moved Islamic marriages into an entirely different arena.
Getting married in Saudi Arabia can be done in two different ways through the use of a matchmaker or by using the Internet.
The matchmaker is a centuries-old tradition, but it has received a new official standing. Matchmakers are approached by mothers who give them a picture of their daughters and a list of requirements for a suitable husband. The candidates are then cross-referenced in the matchmaker's registry to make a match.
Umm Ahmad has been a matchmaker for 15 years, and she says the women who accept an al-misyar marriage are usually independent already.
"Al-misyar marriage changes most of the young men aged between 20 and 25. Most of these men are looking to find girls who are ready to spend on themselves without asking their husbands for financial help," Umm Ahmad said.
Umm Ahmad says the requirements for marriages have changed drastically in recent years.
"Before, most men asked for a polite and faithful wife, but now the marriage standards have changed- blond hair, white skin, and a sexy body are the new rules for marriage," she said.
Umm Mohanned, matchmaker in Shaikh Saleh Al-Zahrani mosque complains about the strange requirements Saudis have these days.
"One day, a young man working in one of the biggest companies in the Kingdom, came to me with five pictures asking me to find a wife who was a combination of the girls in the photos. He wanted his bride to be to have the eyes, nose, mouth and the hair of the women in the photos," she said.
Men and women of different ages are meeting matchmakers and asking about their future spouse.
"Large numbers of Saudi men and women of different ages come asking about the future spouse. We get 16-year-olds who require men of a maximum age of 53. While women in their thirties require a man around 45 to 50, so it is obvious we meet both sexes of all ages."
Ibrahim Al-Khalaf, a teacher of the Islamic Culture in Ali Bin Abi Taleb School in Al-Madinah confirms that the matchmaker is helpful for those who want to get married.
The recent increase in men being more concerned with physical attraction than the moral quality of the women they seek, is a direct result of globalization's effect on Saudi society, Al-Khalaf said.
When a man approves an al-misyar marriage, it plays an important role in altering his expectations of the marriage.
"In Islam an al-misyar marriage was traditionally resorted to when a spouse had to travel extensively or they could not pay for the marriage requirements. But now it's different. Most young men are asking to get an al-misyar marriage even if they have not been married before, which is considered a dangerous phenomenon," Al-Khalaf said.
Matchmakers are not alone in the race to find Mr./Ms. Right. Different Web sites also provide services similar to those of the matchmakers.
From time to time an interesting love story comes along, such as the story of Mohammed.
"At first I got involved with different men and women, but then a screen-name caught my attention, because it was the only one in Arabic. In the end we spoke to each other for several months, but I felt I needed to hear her voice," he said.
Mohammed solicited the help of his friend to tell the girl that he was sick in the hope that she would care enough to call him.
The relationship continued for five years but Mohammed's family refused to allow a marriage between the two because they had met online.
In Islam an acceptance is required in addition to two witnesses and the guardian's consent, said Asim Al- Hakim, khateeb at the Al-Tayyar mosque.
"An acceptance and two witnesses to the marriage are the main requirements. If these are met then the marriage is legal." Al-Hakim said. "An online marriage is considered legal. In the case of a marriage orchestrated by the fathers of the bride and the groom, then nobody is allowed to discuss the issues except the bride's guardians as defined by the Shariah."
Social researchers have found that marriages through matchmakers is more effective than online marriages. In online marriages there are issues of too much freedom, which motivate people to get married. This is still a very untested territory.
"People who get married online mostly want to go against the grain and be rebels, choosing their spouse without the family consultation." Dania Al-Ghaleb, a social and educational researcher, said. Many men online are serious about their desire to get married. But these serious guys are a minority, said Al-Ghaleb.
"Most online encounters end badly even after years of marriage and after the birth of children," Al-Ghaleb said. Al-Ghaleb said she does not understand how online marriages have such a reputation of success when their failure rate is so high.
"Love and responsibility are the anchors of a marriage," she continued. "To start a relationship online is considered inappropriate for married life." In contrast Al-Hakim said there is no data on the success and failure of marriages, whether they are done over the Internet or they use a matchmaker.
"Marriages through matchmakers, the Internet and even charity consultation have the same possibility of success or failure. There is no evidence to support which is better," said Al-Hakim. "Personally, most online and marriages through matchmakers' agency concentrate on the outer appearance rather than what the person is like in the inside or even what his morals or education is like."
Al-Ghaleb stressed that getting married online can easily have elements of duplicity and false information. Real love happens on its own without tricks. Some people refrain from using matchmakers services, because they do not know what the matchmaker will do with the information once they receive it.
"I cannot trust the matchmaker, because she may take my picture and alter it with Photoshop or they may even send it by Bluetooth to other people." Zakiyah Al-Bishi said. "Using a matchmaker requires a lot of searching, so I prefer to get married online where I can be more involved in fulfilling my needs."
By Diana Al-Jassem
© The Saudi Gazette 2008
